ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
FRED: right
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!