Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I think about this a lot