“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?