Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches