hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.