Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
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“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”