them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
english majors be like furthermore
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?