Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
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