[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
No laws when master is gone
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me