Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?