Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.