If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.