Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You Might Also Like
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
A ghost story
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.