Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts