“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
The dark side of Canada
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear