If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too