I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Choose your fighter
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Can’t. About to go please some beans