Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it