Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️