I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
im all 3
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
me adding lol on a serious message
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need