Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
wait.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: