My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
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damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*offers Batman cough drops*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it