Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
You Might Also Like
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop