Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
When can I start eating bats again.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.