Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Breaking news:
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?