me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Hey i am sexy to you now
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie