– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Yeah. This was me today.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
But I really needed water water water
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.