Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD