How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*