Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%