If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Not my job 😂
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*