Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
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If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.