Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.