“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Peace was never an option
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.