[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
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“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?