Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I feel seen
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Life is a suicide mission.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again