Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
tourist season
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I just ran a .003048K
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous