Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Heroic Misunderstanding