It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao