A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Breaking news:
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs