Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.