My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!