incredible text to wake up to
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Not today, today.
Not today.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”