Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”