I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
This was my dad’s browser history.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
i- i did not expect this
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe