Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
No regrets in 2018
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.