Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
You Might Also Like
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑