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*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
🙂🐾
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath