Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
haha same
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened