Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
#Caturday